Pick up lines gone wrong
by 0Permanent Hiatus0
Summary: So, this is crack filled one shots based on random things and set in the Naruto Universe. Hope you like it. Done for now ;
1. Chapter 1

**I was watching this video which I'll put the link to on my profile and I just HAD to do this!!**

...I feel so bad for lil naru-chan though...

* * *

**JUST SO YOU KNO!! I DONT OWN IT!! **

It was a normal day for Uzumaki Naruto, he woke up, dressed in a not so usual black tank top, blue jeans, and orange high tops, ate at Ichiraku's, and went to go see his best friend and secret crush Sasuke so they could go see a movie. The kitsune and the raven started walking from the Uchiha manor to the cinema but on the way Naruto's normal day turned a bit....loopy...

It started with Kankuro who was visiting with Gaara and Tamari from Suna. He stopped Naruto and grinned before blurting out: "Hey, baby, I'm like a Rubik's cube. The more you play with me the harder I get!"

Naruto blushed lightly and blinked before replying. "Th-that's nice Kankuro-san....but...uh..."

"He isn't interested cay boy..." Sasuke all but growled out and then pulled the blond away. They continued walking but were once again stopped. This time it was Neji.

"You look familiar. Have I seen you before? Oh yeah! Now I remember! You look like my next uke!" He said with a smirk. Naruto's blush came back even redder then before and he huffed.

"Actually I believe I look familiar because we've met before baka." Naruto said before walking again. Sasuke stuck his tongue at Neji before fallowing.

Next came an unsure looking Shikamaru. He had a finger to his chin and a light blush. "If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?"

Naruto's eyes widened, "ah...Shika-"

"NO!" Sasuke yelled before pulling away the kind hearted blond.

Then there was the very unsuspected Shino, "Do you have a map? I got lost in your eyes." Naruto and Sasuke just stalked away.

Up next was one of Naruto's friends, Kiba. "Hey Naru! If I say "you have a nice body." will you hold it against me?" Naruto glared and pushed Kiba away.

"YES!" He replied before him and Sasuke left.

Then came Kawaii Gaara with his lil raccoon eyes and hidden blush. "You be the ice burg, I'll be titanic and I'll go down on you!" Naruto just ignored him.

Lee jumped on Naruto taking away any chance of escape. "Be my boyfriend!!! I'll protect you till the day I die!!"

Naruto rolled his eyes and pushed Lee off, "No thanks!" Him and Sasuke kept going, a bit fast now.

They finally got to the cinema and Sasuke payed for the tickets. He got his change back and turned to Naruto with a mischievous smirk. He held up a quarter.

"Hey Naru...If I tossed this quarter, what are the chances of me getting head?" He asked before tossing the coin and kissing Naruto. With his awesome Uchiha ninja skills he caught the coin while still kissing and flipped it on the back of his hand. Naruto pulled away and looked at it. T was head, the blond fox smiled and kissed Sasuke's cheek.

"Pretty good."

"Good cause....I love you."

"Me to, dattebayo!"

**OH COME ON!! THAT WAS CUTE!! GO ON! REVIEW ON THE CUTENESS!!!!**

PWEASE~~~~


	2. A dear godthe fans might just kill me

**I just couldn't help myself!!! This was originally Sasu-Saku but just thinking about that makes me ready to murder...sorry if you're a fan....**

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**I DONT OWN!!!**

Sasuke stared at the list his hentai no sensei had given to him. The list was of subtle ways to tell some one you wanted to have sex with them; Sasuke had asked for it because him and Naruto had been dating for almost a year but had only gotten to 3rd base so far and he wanted to be joined with the kit body, mind, and soul. Still, he was apprehensive about taking advice from Kakashi...

"Are you sure this is going to work?" He asked for the billionth time. Kakashi just grinned and nodded, giving the raven and thumbs up.

"Of course! 100% Icha Icha approved!" He vowed

Sasuke sighed and stalked of to find his sexy kit.

--

When Sasuke- Who, for some strange crack induced reason, the stupid authoress almost called Yuki- found Naruto- Who the same stupid authoress almost called Ed- he saw that the blond was bringing some papers to Tsunade for her to sign.

"Hey, Naruto?" He called.

The blond turned and grinned his foxy- the authoress almost said Wolfie because aparently the authoress is trying to mix Fruits Basket, FMA, and her own boy friend who reminds her of a wolf together even though she's well aware this is Naruto and she needs to get some coffee in her before she makes this story any more retarded....and also noticed the only reason she's typing these little extra comments is to take up space because she wants to be a lazy bum-grin at his boyfriend.

"Yeah?"

"I wanted to ask you something..." Sasuke said as the authoress snickered at the pure pervertedness of the comic she's using for dialog, and also the thought of chopping off Sakura's head and using it as one of those bobbles on the antennas on cars even though she doesn't have a car and Sakura isn't a real person.

"Hmm?" Naru asked, confused and looking adorable!! The authoress sighed at her fan girl-ish-ness and the fact that she's squealing over the image of Chibi Naru and her new word; 'Fan girl-ish-ness'

"Butter my muffin." Sasuke- who, once again, was almost called Yuki- crossed his arms and looked at a passing plain even though they probably didn't have plains but the authoress doesn't care because if they have giant computers and spy gear then they damn well better have air plains!!

"Uh?" Naruto titled his head looking like a kitten and Sasuke blushed while the authoress giggled at the shear cuteness.

"No? Em...lick me like a lollipop." Sasuke blushed more and refused to look at Naruto no matter how much the authoress wanted him to look at the cute confused boy and jump him right there and then....Sasuke is a moron....he also wants to kill the authoress....don't expect the authoress to be alive after you finish reading this...

"I don't understand...I thought you hated sweet..." Naruto said in his cute uke voice because we all know that while he's hot as seme, Naru is the most adorable seme besides Yugi but he's not in Naruto so he doesn't count....

Sasuke turned completely red and looked like a tomato....Authoress-sama now realizes she's hungry...so is Sasuke....Authoress-sama and Sasuke want tomatoes....they'll have to wait though....sigh....Authoress-sama is being annoyed because he dog needs to go out be she does not want to get up. Authoress-sama sighed as she stands to put the dog out....baka no inu...Authoress-sama returned to her father watching football and yelling at the TV...authoress-sama is annoyed....she can't concentrate...authoress-sama is putting on music....yea MCR!!

"Let me dig the shovel down the ditch..." Sasuke said what he was supposed to before Authoress-sama began rambling.

"Huh? But you don't have a garden at you house..." Naruto said, thinking about what he meant. Neither notice when the evil pink banshee...I mean Sakura walked passed them.

Sasuke got annoyed and finally, beat red, he threw the list into the air and waved his arms around yelling, "LET ME FUCK YOU!!! TAKE ME!!! BEAR MY BABIES!!!"

Naruto blushed and stared wide eyed at his boyfriend and Sakura- *cough*_bitch_*cough*- ran over to them with wide, angered, eyes.

""Why didn't you say so before?!" Naruto asked before dragging Sasuke to some bushes.

Sakura twitched, "And they say I'm the one who isn't subtle about my feelings..."

**.......a ha ha....don't kill me...**


	3. ANGST

**I'm in an angsty mood so I decided to write this, plus it fits!!!**

**I do not own Naruto or Thinking of you so don't sue me for copy write, got it!**

**Any way here we go!!!**

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**Warnings- Yaoi, angst, one sided sai/naru, cursing, mention of/attempts at rape. **

"_I don't understand! Why do you have to go! It's not fair! What about me, what should I do! I can't lose you Sasuke!!" Naruto cried to his lover whom had just told him he was going to train with Orochimaru. _

"_I'm sorry Naruto, but it's for the best. I'm no good for you anyway. There are tons of fish in the sea, go find one that deserves you." Sasuke said with out looking into Naruto's tearing blue eyes. He turned away from the blond and walked to where Kabuto was waiting but before he left he turned back and mouthed, 'I'll always love you...' and with those last words he left._

_Naruto fell to the ground crying his eyes out and screaming for Sasuke._

Naruto gasped and sat up in his bed as he woke up. _'Just a dream?'_ he thought before looking at the body next to his in the bed. It looked like Sasuke but Naruto knew better. _'...No...a memory...'_ He thought sadly before getting out of bed and putting on a black dress shirt of his bed mate's- Sai. He sat at his desk and looked threw his wallet. He found what he was looking for and pulled it out. It was a picture of him and Sasuke on their first date Kakashi had taken. It was Naruto's favorite. Naruto started thinking about all the differences between Sai and Sasuke.

_**Comparisons are easily done  
Once you've had a taste of perfection  
Like an apple hanging from a tree  
I picked the ripest one  
I still got the seed**_

You said move on  
Where do I go  
I guess second best  
Is all I will know 

Naruto knew that he could never love Sai like he loved Sasuke, it was a fact. When ever Naruto saw Sai all he thought of was Sasuke- hell the only reason he agreed to go out with Sai was because of the similarities in their appearance. It didn't matter though...when he is with Sai all he thinks of is how Sasuke would do what ever he was doing. He wished the eyes he looked into every morning were Sasuke's, not Sai's.

_**Cause when I'm with him  
I am thinking of you.  
Thinking of you;  
What you would do if  
You were the one,  
Who was spending the night.  
Oh I wish that I...  
Was looking into your eyes. **_

Sasuke always knew how to make Naruto smile, and he always would. He was like perfection in a world of trash...he was simply Sasuke- no words could describe him. With out him Naruto felt as if he'd be swallowed whole by his fear and grief. With out Sasuke nothing made sense. He said to move on but how could he get some one better then perfect?

"_There are tons of fish in the sea, go find one that deserves you."_

_'Tons of fish in the sea, eh? Well the waters poisoned....'_

He knew Sasuke's wish for him to find another was impossible but he did it if only to honer his true love. Even so, when he was with Sai it didn't feel right. When they kissed, he tasted Sasuke, when they had sex- not make love, had sex- he was so ashamed of himself for finding pleasure in doing it with any one but Sasuke. It was like he had cheated on him and just didn't care. It made him feel dirty and broken.

_**You're like an Indian summer,  
In the middle of winter.  
Like a hard candy-  
With a surprise center.  
How do I get better,  
Once I've had the best?  
You said: "there's  
Tons of fish in the water."  
So the waters I will test.**_

He kissed my lips-  
I taste your mouth.  
He pulled me in;  
I was disgusted with myself! 

Naruto sighed and stood from his desk before walking to his dresser and pulling some jeans on, he'd keep Sai's shirt for today. He walked down stairs and started some coffee before looking out the window to see a beautiful day. Suddenly memories of Sasuke and him flashed in front of him.

**^SASU^NARU^**

"_If you had to chose between me and the most gorges person on the planet which would you choose?" Naruto asked even though he already knew the answer- it was the same thing Sasuke would always say to things like this. _

"_Trick question- you ARE the most gorges person on the planets." The raven said before kissing Naruto. When they pulled apart Sasuke whispered, "love you" into Naruto's ear before kissing him again._

**^SASU^NARU^**

"_Let's go on a date." Sasuke said off handedly to Naruto. The blond's eyes widened and he gasped, was he hearing right?_

"_R-really? You NEVER wanna go on dates!" Naruto said excitedly._

"_Yeah well, I figured since it was your birthday and all..." Naruto almost cried in joy._

"_YOU REMEMBERED!" He cheered before leaping onto Sasuke and kissing him like mad._

**^SASU^NARU^**

"_Sasu, can we go swimming?" Naruto asked out of the blue on summer morning. Sasuke shrugged._

"_Why not?" He said before taking Naruto's hand and walking them both to his back yard where a large built in pool was. They both stripped- Naruto was a bit hesitant but he came around- down to nothing and jumped in. Sasuke swam to Naruto before diving down. Naruto was confused at that until suddenly he felt Sasuke's hand on his penis and his head nuzzling Naruto's abdomen._

**^SASU^NARU^**

Naruto sighed as he remembered all of their best times together. He was so caught in his memories that he didn't notice Sai coming downstairs.

"You're up early." Sai whispered into Naruto's ear before kissing the tan neck of his kit. Naruto jumped at the sudden contact but settled when he realized it was Sai.

"Yeah...we need to talk..." He said sadly. He need this to end- he couldn't do it any more. Sai stopped kissing Naruto's neck and turned the blond towards him.

"About what?" He asked, concerned.

_**Cause when I'm with him  
I am thinking of you.  
Thinking of you;  
What you would do if  
You were the one,  
Who was spending the night.  
Oh I wish that I...  
Was looking into...**_

_**You're the best.  
And yes I do regret,  
How I could let myself  
Let you go.  
Now the lesson's learned-  
I touched it I was burned.  
Oh I think you should know: **_

_**Cause when I'm with him  
I am thinking of you.  
Thinking of you;  
What you would do if  
You were the one,  
Who was spending the night.  
Oh I wish that I...  
Was looking into your eyes. **_

"This isn't working Sai. I can't do this. I can't forget Sasuke and I can't love you." Naruto said before pulling away and starting for the stairs. He'd pack up and move back in with Iruka till he found a new place. At least he was going to until Sai grabbed him and pushed him against the wall.

"What do you mean Naruto? You can't leave me, I wont let you!" He growled as he squeezed Naruto's arms so hard it was painful.

"Sai...you're hurting me..."

"Well you hurt me Naruto! Saying all of that, it hurt me a lot! And now you need to be punished for hurting me." The raven said cruelly before throwing Naruto to the ground and sitting on the smaller boys waist so he could escape. He took the shirt Naruto was wearing off as well as his jeans and tied his hands together with the shirt.

"What are you doing! Please Sai, stop!" Naruto cried but Sai ignored him and pulled off his boxers. He lined him self up with Naruto's entrance and made to penetrate him but was pulled off by some mysterious force.

_**Oh won't you walk through,  
And bust in the door,  
And take me away! **_

Naruto, who had closed his eyes in preparation for the pain of penetration opened them to see Sai being fought by some one he would of never expected. It was Sasuke, his Sasuke, the love of his life and then some.

"Sasuke! You came back!" Naruto cried in joy.

"Well...of course I did." Sasuke said as he fought of Sai's attacks. "A little....help here?" he continued. Naruto nodded, quickly dressed and preformed his cloning justu. Five Naruto's and Sasuke beat Sai till he was unconscious and when he was finally down Sasuke grabbed the original Naruto and hugged him for dear life. Naruto was shocked but soon hugged back. He gasped when he felt tears on his neck.

"Sasuke..." He whispered.

"I came back...to beg for you back...I couldn't live with out you....only to find that **monster** doing _that_ to you..." He cried into Naruto's shoulder while the blond held him and rubbed his back.

"It's ok. It's over now." Naruto said as he kissed Sasuke's cheek.

"How can you forgive me so easily?" Sasuke croaked.

"Because I love you..." Naruto whispered before kissing Sasuke's lips.

_'Much better'_ He thought with a smile.

"No more mistakes...I'm yours 100 percent, nothing will take me from you. I promise you this." Sasuke said before kissing the blond back.

_**Oh no more mistakes  
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay... **_

They pulled away and Sasuke had a serious and yet frightened look in his obsidian eyes.

"What?" Naruto asked worriedly.

"...Marry me..." Sasuke asked- no, begged as e pulled a diamond ring from his pocket.

"Yes" Naruto said with tears in his eyes.

END!


	4. MUSICAL?

**I don't own Naruto or Avenue Q OK? OK....Um...OOC....SasUKE IrUKE so KakSeme (cock-seme....) and NaruSeme ok?**

**Rod- Sasuke**

**Nicky- Naruto**

**Princeton- Kakashi**

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**Kate- Iruka**

Sasuke: **sigh** It sure can get lonely at night. Naruto, you awake?

Naruto: **snores** Ah, is that a unicorn?

Sasuke: **rolls eyes** Ugh, he's talking in his sleep again.

Naruto: No, I'll wear the purple shoes. Hh, who painted the kitten?

Sasuke: **annoyed** Ugh, maybe I should just shake him.

Naruto: I love you, Sasuke.

Sasuke: **gasp** What did you say?

Naruto: I love your little laugh...

Sasuke: Naruto? Are you awake?

Naruto: Take off your shirt...

Sasuke: **squeak** Oh Naruto! Have you been shy all this time? Have we been... hiding from each other? I wonder...  
_All those nights  
I'd lay in bed  
Thoughts of you  
Running through my head_

Naruto: I know, put my earmuffs on the cookie

Sasuke:_ But I never thought  
The things in my head  
Could really happen  
In my bed_

Naruto: You look like David Hasselhoff

Sasuke:  
_All those years  
I missed the signs  
Couldn't read  
Between the lines  
Who'd have thought  
I would see the day  
Where I'd hear you say  
What I heard you say  
__And now, I find:  
What was always in my mind was in your mind too.  
Who knew? Fantasies come true!  
And now I see,  
That what I always dreamed of was meant to be.  
You and me- me and you, fantasies come true!_

_**MUSICAL INTERLUDE**_

Sasuke:  
_You and me lived in fantasy  
But we'll be a reality!_

Kakashi: Iruka, that was amazing...

Iruka: You're amazing!

Kakashi: Heh, I want you to have this.  
It's a penny I carry around with me for good luck.  
It's from the year I was born, see?  
Who knows? Maybe it'll bring you good luck. It did for me; I found you.  
I want you to know,  
The time that we've spent,  
How great it's been,  
How much it's meant.

Iruka:  
**Gosh, I don't know what to say:  
I'm really glad you feel that way  
'Cause I'm afraid,  
That I like you more  
Than I've ever liked  
Any guy before.**

Sasuke:_ 'Cause now- My love-_

Iruka:**'Cause now- My love**

Both: _**I'm getting what I've always been dreaming of!**_

Sasuke: _So are you!_

Iruka: **Oh Baby!**

Both: _**Fantasies come true...**_

Iruka:** And now- I swear-**

Sasuke: _And now- I swear_

Both: _**When you want me I'm gonna be right there,**_

Sasuke: _To care,_

Iruka:** To care,**

Both: _**For you!**_

Iruka: **That's what I'm gonna do!**

Sasuke: _And make your fantasies_

Iruka: **Fantasies!**

Both: _**Come true!**_

Sasuke:_ Fantasies come true! _**settles down in bed**

Naruto: **pokes Sasuke** Uh, hey Sasuke, buddy, you're talking in your sleep.

Sasuke: **confused** Oh, I thought you were talking in your sleep...

Naruto: **chuckles** No I just came to bed. Heh, you're dreaming' is all.

Sasuke: **sad** Oh.

Naruto: **doesn't like seeing Sasuke sad** Sounded like a nice dream, though.

Sasuke: **smiles sad smile** Yes it was a nice dream.

Naruto: **grins** Goodnight!

Sasuke: **a single tear falls onto his heart** Goodnight, Naruto.


	5. After The Musical

I don't want to bore you with my ranting so I'll get right down to the fact that I DON'T own Naruto because If I did I wouldn't be hear I'd be off drawing the next sex scene between Naru and Sasu right after Sakura's demise….hmmm…yum….And I don't own Avenue Q cuz…well…the same reasons only with Rod, Nicky AND Ricky…^-^

Ruby- Ur rambling -.-

Right, sorry ON WITH IT!

Knock! Knock! Knock!

Naruto opened the door to his apartment and stared wide eyed as Iruka literally JUMPED into his home and plopped down on the old burnt orange couch in his living room/ kitchenette.

"I-Iruka- sensei…You seem happy this morning." He said warily as he walked into the kitchen to make some coffee.

"Mhm! Kakashi told me he loved me yesterday!" He said happily as he jumped off the couch and walked into the kitchen with Naruto.

"Oh… That's great." Naruto said with a hint of sadness as he poured the coffee and gave a mug to Iruka. Iruka took it and thanked him before giving him the look.

"You haven't told him yet have you?" Iruka asked before taking a sip from his mug. Naruto shook his head and also took a sip.

"Nuhuh…I can't. He was…dreaming about some one last night…"

"Oh." Iruka said slightly confused. Sasuke loved Naruto; everyone except Naruto himself knew that. "So, where is he?"

"Out shopping, he said he wanted to get some flowers to brighten the place up. I swear if he's trying to stay in the closet he's not doing a very good job." Iruka nodded.

"So, I'll be off now then. Kashi and I have a date soon so I'll need to get ready." Iruka said as he rinsed his cup in the sink.

"K, bye Iruka." Naruto said as he walked off towards his and Sasuke's bedroom to change; his mug still in hand.

--With Iruka—

Iruka raced down the streets of Konoha searching for Sasuke. He knew Sasuke was dreaming about Naruto last night- it was the only plausible answer. He had to get Sasuke to confess to Naruto other wise he didn't know what the fox vessel would do!

"Sasuke!" He called when he saw a black duck but hair style. Said ninja turned around and looked at him quizzically.

"Yes Iruka-sensei?" He asked as he shifted the bag of flowers he held on his shoulder.

"You have to tell Naruto you love him!" The bag of flowers dropped as Iruka said this. Sasuke stared as him with huge white anime WTF eyes.

"Wh-what?! NO! Naruto isn't even GAY!" He said in a hushed tone.

"Yes! Yes he is! And he's in love with you baka! He thinks last night you were dreaming about some one else- probably Gaara or Neji…OR EVEN YOUR BROTHER! You have to tell him the truth!" Iruka said, shaking Sasuke violently. (Sorry to people who like those couples- I do to! But yeah…it was amusing to me and Sara so I put it there.)

"OK! OK! Jeez, I'll tell him! But if he laughs or leaves me I'll kill you painfully!"

"Right, right, just GO!" Iruka said pushing Sasuke towards his and Naruto's apartment.

--WITH NARUTO—

He sat on his musty old couch flipping through channels but everything he was reminded him to much of Sasuke. When he heard the click of the door being unlocked he jumped up and turned of the TV thankful that Sasuke was home and he could find some comfort in that fact.

Sasuke walked into the living room with out any bags or flowers which confused Naruto but he brushed it off when he saw the blush and frightened look in Sasuke's coal black eyes. He put his arms on the smaller male's shoulders.

"Sasuke, what's wrong?" He asked worriedly. He didn't expect the raven to basically glomp him but that's what he did. Sasuke put his arms around Naruto's neck and buried his head in the older one's chest. Naruto could feel wetness and knew Sasuke was crying.

"Sasuke, please, tell me what's wrong?"

"I-I… I need to know how you feel about me…I need to know if you love me like I love you…and I need you to promises even if you don't you won't hate me."

Naruto's eyes widened when Sasuke said that and before he could even think to blink he was kissing Sasuke, hard a needy. They pulled apart and Naruto smirked.

"Baka, of course I do." And he kissed him again, this time softly. He poured all his love and need for the other boy into that kiss. And well, let's just say fantasies come true.


End file.
